Saturday, April 1, 2006

Bad Move, Ryan Cabrera

By Blair Lovern

As this undated photo clearly reveals, the real Pocketful of Mumbles (left) was an inspirational boxing horse who warmed the heart of a nation during some vague, troubled times.

HOLLYWOOD - Paramount Pictures and music honcho Ryan Cabrera thought they were sitting on a huge summer blockbuster, but now they are about to lay a $200 million egg, according to major bigwig industry analysts.

Paramount spent all that cash on Million Dollar Biscuit, a story about the greatest boxing racehorse that ever lived. But bigwigs who have seen advance screenings say the movie is terrible.

Million Dollar Biscuit is actually based on a true story, which coincidentally combines the best elements of Million Dollar Baby and Seabiscuit. The story is about a boxing horse from the 1920s or 30s named Pocketful of Mumbles, which also partially inspired Simon & Garfunkel’s hit, “The Boxer.” Mumbles ended up with a 989-2 fight record, including 722 full body tramples, but was for reasons historians cannot understand, transformed into a utterly clueless thoroughbred racer.

“Sounded like a hit to me no matter what the angle – boxing horse, boxing song, Zippy Chippy predecessor, whatever,” said former Million Dollar Biscuit executive producer Johnny Moistloaf, who was fired earlier this week after test screenings. “Guess it isn’t.”

The movie stars Cabrera, who plays a talented but crusty old horse and boxing trainer, as well as former championship rider and boxer, named Diana Prince. Prince dons a skimpy red, white and blue outfit and uses a magic lasso of truth to train his horses, which is a major reason test audiences turned up their nose to this one, industry analysts said.

“The people who made this movie are idiots,” said Gary Chunkfat, editor of Self-Important Filmmaker Weekly. "I guarandamntee you a guy ripping off the 70s version of the Wonder Woman character will turn people away. What is today? April 1, 2006? They might have been able to get away with this April 1, 2003 or 2004 by confusing people in all the Oscar buzz of the other two movies. But now? Hell no.”

Ryan Cabrera trains for his role of taming a gruff boxing horse for thoroughbred racing by riding this mechanical bull with pretty socks and no shirt.

This may become the second major career flop for Cabrera, who just ended a year run on the National Pro Battleship Tour, getting beat by arguably the best pro Battleship player in history, Texas Slim, in 49 consecutive matches. The only members of the NPBT were Texas Slim and Cabrera.

"I graduated from the A1, A3/G1, G3 School of calling a game," Texas Slim said. "I never, never breech my pattern calling. Perhaps I'm being a fool, but it always seems to work."

Cabrera’s worst loss was two weeks ago when he never took a single ship in the best-of-seven Grand National/International Nationals, although he had three red pegs on his opponent's carrier and one red peg on his submarine in Game 1. Other than that, Cabrera was, as they say on the NPBT, "nothing but white," which means you place nothing but white pegs on the opponents' board.

"When you're nothing but white after every single guess, it gets very frustrating - it demoralizes you and makes you less of a man," Cabrera said at a press conference Friday, which took place on the steps of a federal courthouse somewhere near Maine, but not in Maine, after a preliminary hearing for undisclosed alleged criminal activity.

Cabrera did well in the minor league PBT, beating many famous lesser players such as Texas Hank, Carl the Floridian, Scrupulous Kentucky Lou, Mad Oklahoma Johnson, The Idaho Shocker, Lou "Fat Back" MacJerky, The Green Hornet, Infomercial James and El Presidente De Lo Ricardo Montalban Fan Club.

At the Friday press conference, when asked about Million Dollar Biscuit, Cabrera turned bitter and refused to answer questions. Then one drunk fat reporter held up a Million Dollar Biscuit movie poster and said, “You explain this crap!”

“I don’t care what kind of poster you shove in my face,” Cabrera said, while shoving his fists into the faces of several drunk TV reporters who were shoving cameras in Cabrera’s face on the courthouse – again, somewhere near Maine, but not in Maine.

“HOW THE HELL DID WE GET IN NEW HAMPSHIRE?!” Cabrera shouted, as he wrestled at least 25 fat drunk reporters and 10 public relations officials down an estimated 75, cold granite, courthouse steps. One reporter with a broken jaw muttered something about everyone being in Maine, but he was summarily swiped across the back of the head with a folding chair.

“There is no way we were in New Hampshire or Maine today,” said Cabrera’s attorney, Dave “Dave” Dave, who was also at the press conference. “I had to hit one guy with a chair, because I swear to the sweet Lord above that that was total, uncalled-for-nonsense about being in any state we were not in, and I would do it again or bring a gun next time it happens, no damn lie.”

When asked if his first name was “Dave” he said it was. When asked if his last name was “Dave” he said it was. When asked if his nickname was “Dave” he said it was.

See more stories in:

Comments

Mike Orren Staff

God Bless Blair.

That forum was our #2 referrrer after Google today.

Shame we'll have to wait a year for the next chapter.

2 years, 6 months ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

ch0 Anonymous

what on God's green earth!?

2 years, 6 months ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )