DC Anonymous

I like your retro font.

3 weeks, 6 days ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

Scottish Salmon :: A
Halibut with Macadamia Nuts :: A-
Prawns :: B
Mushroom Rice :: A
Asparagus :: A
Filet Mignon :: A
Wasabe Mashed Potatoes :: A+
Passion Punch :: B+

addfab Anonymous

Food: 2/5  Vibe: 4/5  Service: 2/5  Value: 2/5  Overall: 3/5

I am a tiki freak so was excited about T.V.'s opening in Dallas. Went there with a friend and sat at the bar, which I thought was pretty cool. Yes, you are drinking $12 boat drinks but who cares.. that's like going to Vegas and bitching about drinks. Its all about the atmosphere. We did have some apps with our drinks which were not very tasty, so I would agree that the food leaves much to be desired. Go for the kitsch and campiness of it all, have a couple or 5 drinks, and leave it at that.

1 month, 3 weeks ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

Billusa99 Anonymous

Man, o Man, DC, you just saved me from another one of Agent 99's "WE GOTTA go there 'cause I loved it 20 years ago" ...and I was finally succumbing. Not now.

Thanks, Tristan, for letting us know that The Porch will be next.

7 months, 3 weeks ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

DC Anonymous

Food: 2/5  Vibe: 2/5  Service: 1/5  Value: 1/5  Overall: 2/5

On this occasion, we have the architect, the nurse, and the profiler with us. Somehow a $100 certificate brought us back.

Of course we have reservations, but we're given the same 'stand around and complain' service. We step in to the bar, but end up waiting 17 minutes (time keeping by Omega). We end up actually not ordering anything at the bar because our table is ready before the bar tender cares to recognize our presence.

We have a mix of dishes.

Once again, we order the cho cho beef. Last time I wondered why I got a cooked stick of beef with fire. This time, it's raw. That's fine, but if I actually want to cook it, the wood skewer catches on fire and the beef ends up in the flame. Great. I suppose if it was metal someone might burn their face. Instead I just paid to make charcoal at my table. I am sure this is fun somehow, I just can't see it.

The appetizer plate has a few fried morsels on it. Ok, I suppose, but pretty much Chili's grade.

We've asked for tap water as well as our cocktails. Apparently this is an issue for the service staff as eye-rolling is at a maximum. The first one tells us they don't have any. The next one that passes by sharply informs us he's not a waiter. I guess I'm supposed to care who gets me the water or something.

In any case, I give the duck a second try. It's ok. The skin is crispy, but the meat is really too dry. Looks like it spent a little too long under the heat lamp. The sauce is standard fare hoisin. It's ok, but without the oily texture and flavour to balance a crunchy skin, it's a bit of a waste of duck.

She orders scallops and the architect goes for snapper. The snapper is a brick and the scallops are microscopic. She asks the server "are you embarrassed to serve this?" Maybe some of the entrees are really entrees in the French sense as in appetizers and some of the entrees are main courses in the American, but they don't tell you which is which. Stunning indifference. The seafood is fine as far as not over done or offensive but the dichotomy in size is actually funny.

Someone in the next booth is really, really drunk. "WOoooooOOO!"

I wonder how they did it since I can't get a follow up drink or a glass of water around here. Maybe they brought their own flask of rum.

Anyway, we also have a shanghai chicken, won ton soup and lobster fried rice. The chicken is pretty much Pei Wei style on some unexceptional chow mein. I figure the won tons cost on average $8 a piece, so they should be pretty damn good. The nurse, however, does not share other than to say there isn't much to it.

Lobster fried rice is actually kind of tasteless. I realize fried rice is basically fried leftovers, but I thought what the hell? I guess the kitchen thought the lobster would carry the dish. Guess what? Not so much. They needed to add some fresh garlic and onion sauteed in the pan before adding the rice, not just toss the rice in and tap on some salt; or if they did it, they needed to stop cooking it before turning it into gravel.

How the hell are those people getting so drunk??

Well, with the above dishes and 4 drinks, the tab is $212. Our server briskly hands me the bill and asks if I could clear that up "as quickly as possible." I translate this into internet restaurant lingo as GTFO. I also like to think of it as: "Tip? Think not."

Last time I recommended the place for drinks. Since I pretty much went sub Sahara style on this visit, I have to retract that one. If you go, maybe you should take your own booze.

7 months, 3 weeks ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

WhitneyTM Anonymous

Food: 4/5  Vibe: 3/5  Service: 4/5  Value: 3/5  Overall: 4/5

I saved my trip to Trader Vic's for my birthday. My parents had built up the place in tales of their trips to the same location in the early 70's - I had to try it, and I wasn't disappointed.

I feel like this is one of the more unique dining experiences to be had in Dallas. I couldn't help feeling that I was in the Polynesian section of Disney World; it's the same surreal faux-foreign experience and just as overpriced. It is nice, though, to escape from time to time and I enjoyed the dark, woodsy, thatched/patterned/carved interior with its basket-covered lights and tiki candles.

We had a reservation but waited about 15 minutes in the bar (valet was complimentary, FYI), which was our first look at the four-page drink menu which really is worth the trip. I've never seen anything like it. Mostly rum-based stuff but with funky names, illustrations, descriptions and histories - not to mention ingredients I've never heard of.

Once seated I had a Menehune Juice and my husband got a Zombie. We both liked them. The drinks are all from $9-12. Looking around, Trader's was a little more upscale than I'd expected (what with the theme aspect) - white tablecloths, waiters in suits, crumb-sweeper guys. We watched as one misinformed twenty-something couple in jeans and shorts was escorted to the far back corner of the restaurant. Most everyone else had the Trader's look down - something near evening country club attire with a few suits thrown in. The crowd was noticeably older, as the reviewer before me mentioned.

Our appetizer of crab rangoons was small but warm and very tasty. We both loved our main courses (Alaskan Halibut & Kobe steak); however, I found the sweet potatoes side a little average. Somewhere in there I got a MaiTai just to try the "original" - it was good, if strong. There was a little bit of a mess when we ordered sparkling water and they brought it but then the guy with the ice-water pitcher refilled the glasses (with regular water). We asked them to fix it but they were out of the sparkling and brought us Fiji water on the house. Really we just ended up having a bunch of confusing water glasses on the table. They made up for it by bringing out a free toasted-coconut covered ice cream with a candle for my birthday. Apparently they'd asked if it was a special occasion when my husband made the reservation.

Overall, you have to see this place, and its drink menu. The food, while good, isn't particularly Polynesian or anything and I left thinking there were a lot of places I could get a good $30 piece of fish. My suggestion would be to find out how to get/reserve one of the little tables in the bar - that way you can experience the atmosphere and the drinks which are really the best things Trader Vic's has to offer.

1 year, 2 months ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )

DC Anonymous

Food: 3/5  Vibe: 2/5  Service: 1/5  Value: 3/5  Overall: 3/5

I'm not sure how it happened, but in one minute we were talking about Momofuku and the next we're making a reservation at TV.

Parking is a disaster since there is no flow to traffic whatsoever. I drop the car at a random spot in the lot and toss the key over to the valet guy. Again, the transmission is under warranty, so perhaps it's not going to be too bad.

A long entryway brings you to the hostess. She's definitely seen many years of experience in something. Regardless, 5 of 6 of us are here, one's going to be late and in a classic La Duni maneuver, they refuse to seat us. Now before all the current and ex servers start complaining, it's a Wednesday night, and either we could have a table and start eating and drinking or we could stand around and complain.

Standing and complaining it is.

About 20 minutes later they attempt to seat us at a table for 4. Yes, we were still 5 people, expecting a 6th.

After about another 15 minutes we're seated at a six. Most of us are hypoglycemic.

Cocktails it is! The Dr. Funk's Son is interesting in that it is basically a cone of ice frozen around the glass. Overall, the drink's not bad, but it does take up an inordinate amount of table space.

The mean age at our table is probably about 34. The mean age of the room is about 70. We actually run into a couple of extras we met at the Crow a few weeks ago. An uneasy alliance is born since we're not sure when the rest of the patrons are bringing out their Jet Set membership cards.

Pupus! Cho cho beef is one dish of skewered beef slathered in Hoisin and another of flaming mucous. Interestingly, the beef is all ready cooked, so I'm not sure what the point of the burning snot is. No one is really interested to tell me, either, probably because we ordered tap. Are they afraid to provide me with raw beef? Still, it seems the pit of fire could easily end up in someone's lap.

Poke is all right, if a little light on the greens. I wouldn't say the tuna was the clean, crisp balance to the sauce I would have wanted, but not too bad.

The Trader Vic's salad is supposed to include hearts of palm and a variety of other tasty bits, but it does not. Instead, it appears to consist of fresh herb salad and bottle vinagrette.

We're enjoying each other's company as the entrees are presented. Lamb curry looks a little strange, kind of like chicken curry. As a matter of fact, it is chicken curry. Back to the kitchen with you, fowl!

Crispy duck looks suspicously like duck breast with spring roll. It is! Back to the pit with you, poultry!

The halibut itself is rather pleasant. The dish leaves you wanting something more cleansing on the palate to balance the oiliness of the fish. I guess it's part of the ploy to get you to buy the side dishes "for the table."

The lamb curry makes it back. It's presented with a shell of acoutrements and an ice creme scoop of rice. Overall it's a stable curry if unexceptional.

The Queen's Park Swizzle is apparently another strong drink. Sure, why not? Not quite the presentation of Son of Funk, but rum and juice none the less.

The crispy duck is prepared at the tableside. I had been looking forward to this since I hadn't had a decent crispy duck since the last time I was in Toronto (sorry, Oishii, it's just too salty).

Well, the duck is crispy, but it's cold. The mushu tastes like cold construction paper. The scallions are sliced nicely, though.

By this time, we've been here almost 4 hours, so we pass on desserts.

Naturally, we have a couple of people on expense accounts, so much eye rolling is involved with dividing the cheque.

Damages? For 2 - Beef cho cho, poke, TV salad, duck, and three cocktails - about 90 before tip.

Ok, let's face it, this is a drinking place. Food - afterthought. I'll give them props for having a proper Pimms Cup on the menu, so go, have a few Zombies so you can giggle at the bare breasted cartoon girls on the menu and enjoy yourself. I am really struggling with a way to end this that doesn't involve a comment on blue hairs. Sometimes, though, these things just write themselves. Until the next episode.

1 year, 3 months ago ( Link to this comment | Suggest removal )